When avoiding cognitive dissonance beware of cultural dissonance!

Let's begin with a few definitions...

Cognitive dissonance:  The discomfort caused by the awareness of holding two or more contradictory ideas.

Cultural dissonance:  The discomfort experienced by people in the midst of changing cultural dynamics; most often characterized by changes which are unexpected, unexplained or not understood.

I think that one of the most important aspects of cognitive dissonance is that one needs to have an awareness of discomfort before one can identify those thoughts which are being held in tension.  Self-awareness is an experience that is often sought out as we age.  We grow in understanding ourselves different and separate from those around us; we seek to inventory those things which we hold that are truly of us and those things we have embraced as default.

In the process of this often we come across contradictory ideas, thoughts or values.  We are then faced with a choice...  ...can both be held onto at the same time...  ...if not then which value do we go with and why.  

But here is the aspect that I wish to mull over.  What happens if in the process of self-examination and increasing self-awareness I decide to embrace a value that is not held or endorsed by the dominant culture in which I find myself?  I do not spare myself discomfiture.   The attempts to ease the unease of finding myself in the throes of cognitive dissonance I am thrust into a dissonance of another variety.

Leaving and coming back home has opened my eyes to cultural 'concerns' about my hometown.  I think that is likely a very 'normal' experience.  But as I wandered through my time back I realized that I was not at ease at home.  As I explore the reasons for my dis-ease; I find myself having shed some of the normalcy of home for another normal.  And I don't want to give up what I have received... ...as I weigh out the values I hold, I find more reasons to hold on to that which I experience as more real.   But that reality is uncomfortable and darker than expected.

I came to this as I watched a documentary this week.  Cognitive dissonance came up... ...those who have heard the truth yet do nothing with it... ...those who believe the truth yet do nothing with it...   That's most people when they count the cost of change and decide it's too much to pay with no guarantee that the reward will make it worth it; besides they will tell themselves no one else is moving towards change.  One insightful commentator said that we are living in make-belief.  

Actually, I believe that many of us know that we are living in make-belief.  And that is what leads to the very normal condition of the human mind to live in cognitive dissonance.  At the same time we want to avoid the pain of the dissonance so we increase the pretense making excuses for the reasons why we can wait or why what we know isn't as serious as it is... This phenomena is evident in many arenas of life often resulting from a simplistic view of the issue in question.  A simplistic perspective, leads to a simplistic approach resulting in a potentially detrimental solution.

From a global perspective, our attitude towards caring for the world in which we live will likely begin with a measure of cognitive dissonance and then gently lead us into the depths of cultural dissonance.  We all have a list as long as our arms for the reasons why we continue unabated with a lifestyle of consumption.  We know that the natural resources that we extract from the earth are not being replenished.  But we do not treat these resources as if they are finite.  Take petrochemicals...they are all pervasive on a global scale.  We know that oil is harvested and not being replenished.  We know that whatever we take is being processed and burned and detrimentally affecting the health of ourselves, our children and our 'home'.  But we continue.

... dissonance ...

So as I try to live more consciously I find myself trying to live as if what is true is really true.  Then I become very aware of the luxury of a strawberry in the wintertime... ...a lawn in the summer... ...a dryer during the rainy season... ...a car any time...  But I struggle to live accordingly.  Should I not buy my children fresh fruit in the winter because the carbon footprint may eventually cause them more damage?  Should I avoid olive oil because I know it is being transported to me emitting air and noise pollution every mile of the way?  Should I avoid: rice, avocados, tuna, coffee, black teas, bananas, coconuts, black pepper, sea salt, seaweed... because they are not responsible choices once I begin to consider the impact of getting them to my table?  According to one set of statistics the average that a food item travels before it lands on our table is 1500 miles.  That is not acceptable.  But,...

And this is where I become dissonant... I live in a climate where the ground is frozen for almost as many months as it is not frozen.  I have growing children whose nutritional needs are important to their long-term well-being.  And here is the one that is the most difficult to deal with... I can not always afford to purchase the locally grown, the organically grown, the responsibly packaged, the environmentally sustainable...  So I live with disappointment and disapproval of my own decisions.

Who wants to hear that they shouldn't buy new clothes every season, they don't need a new "insert item of choice', smaller is better, less is more, if it's yellow let it mellow, your clothes were stitched by a child, your toilet paper is made of trees, your neighbor is everyone who is connected to you via your home, your clothes, your food, your pollution, your consumption...

In fact, sometimes my oldest child doesn't even want to hear it... she is aware of the dissonant sound.  Sometimes I become overwhelmed trying to make a decision on a food purchase.  Other times I simply harden myself against my own judgement.  

But the challenging part is that we, as a family, are trying to move towards a lifestyle this is responsible, sustainable, healthful, justice centered, grace filled and love imbued; and so we oft find ourselves in the realm of the culturally dissonant.  We need to find meaningful action... ...re-evaluate choices and priorities... ...plan for the future... because sometimes the loudest sound is a lone voice in a lonely place.

My Partner and I walking through life

It's odd that I have been so sporadic in my posting.  I realized that I have a good number of draft posts that have never been finished... ...I wonder if they ever will be.  And recently, I have been using a journal more... ...the kind full of blank paper that fit in whatever bag I carry out the door.  Maybe if I began to use a laptop I would post more regularly... ...or maybe not.  You see I am a seriously unscheduled person.  I really struggle with time tables, time management and time perception.  At some point in my years you would think that I would have come to terms with the fact that time needs to be dealt with; yet I continue in denial.

What has helped is being married to my DH.  He does not struggle with time, in any way shape or form.  In fact, I am convinced that he knows the time without needing a timekeeper.  He knows how much time passes, how much time passed or how much time is likely to be required for any given task.  It dumbfounds me.  However, as a consequence I am more likely to arrive at appointments on time these days than ever before.  I may 'flap' as I exit the house to reach the required destination; but I generally reach it at the moment required.  This said I still find time limits stressful.  If I need to leave somewhere or arrive somewhere at a particular time I have learned that vigilance is necessary; of course, this vigilance is distracting to the task at hand and leaves me feeling like I enjoyed the event less than I might have had time not been an issue.

However, back to the title of my post... My partner.  I was just thinking today of the reasons why I appreciate him.  Part of it is the fact that I can say anything to him... ...like today I was wondering out loud about the workings of our spiritual bodies in the next life.  Of course DH replies that the Docetists wondered that about Jesus; they developed the idea that Jesus' physical body was an illusion therefore he wouldn't have been subjected to the 'lower' bodily functions.  However, I assume that the body he was born with was like ours and his resurrection body is like the one we will be getting.  Of course, this is just a side discussion to the fact that DH willingly engages me as I speak out random thoughts even if they remind him of some teachings that are generally accepted as heresy.

We sat this week with dear friends as talked about church for hours.  Seriously, twice staff came up to us to ask if we were done our meal... ...we were, but as we were at the Chipotle in the MOA we didn't have anywhere to go so we smiled and continued.  The thing is that DH and I have been imagining church in new ways... bigger ways ...fuller ways and we haven't really had the time to test out our thoughts.  So we sat, shared and heard back from friends, who are both like us and unlike us.  Good conversation over good food is like nourishment for the body and soul.

So if conversation is an aspect of community that is  essential to the wellness of our soup then one of our current challenges is getting enough sleep.  As our wee ones are not so wee, they are not heading to bed as early as before.  That takes time from the end of the day for them and leaves less for us.  Both of us tend to process life at the end of it, so we stay up later reviewing and sharing all the 'stuff' that there was no time for earlier.  It would be alright if we were both caught sleep the same way, but we don't.  Just like we deal with time differently we also deal with sleep differently.  DH likes to explain it this way:  For him sleep is like catching a train, you have to catch it when it comes or sit and wait for the next one; however for me sleep is like driving a car, I just hop in whenever I want and away I go.

So we need to find more ways to carve out time in our days.  This week we drove a long way with no small people in the vehicle.  So we had hours to talk... ...a friend lent me a CD to listen to and there just wasn't the space for it...we talked, I slept and then we talked some more ...I know that it's cliched to talk about marrying a best friend, but there it is.  Walking through life together has helped us grow together in a way that I don't think we ever imagined.  I have learned how to experience the world as he does and he as I do.  Interestingly, I think it makes us more compassionate than we otherwise would be; because we still approach the world from different starting places.  He is much more intellectual, thinking, conceptual, whereas his current favourite word for me is 'visceral'; that just goes to show how intellectual he really is.  Visceral connotes instinct, but as I am human and the professional verdict on whether or not a human is truly subject to instinct is out; it would be more appropriate to define visceral in terms of gut-level responses.

This leads me to another stream of thought that I have been tossing around.  Is it really a good idea to meet a partner through a service that matches personality and interests?  I am certain that DH and I would not have been matched in our late teens and early twenties... ...I suppose we would be more compatible now, I think partly because of the influence we have had on each other.  Maybe that means that match-making services that use questionnaires filled out by the person looking are more useful for older adults, who know themselves well.  At the same time I think that there is place in a partnership for growth because of differences; although I am aware that those some differences may drive a partnership apart.

So I am wondering how to wrap this all up... ...maybe if unity in diversity is possible on a small scale like in a marriage or family then we should have hope that it is possible in to be manifest is a wider context.  But that also means that the lessons (compromise, understanding, compassion) that make our marriage strong can also make our friendships strong, our communities strong and our nations strong.

What are the things that make your partnerships work well?  What are the things that challenge the stability of it?