Ups and Downs

This week has been a mixed bag...nothing too exceptional. However, getting the house sorted as our shipment arrived (WA-HOO!!!!) has been nearly as stress inducing as packing it up was.

Suddenly, we were all hit with the knowledge that we have left the hillside. That chapter of life was concluded. We were no longer on vacation. A new rhythm needs to be established here in this place. The thing is we all...without exception, from the biggest to the littlest...love the life we left. To be sure there were challenges and disappointments, but there are relationships and roles that were fulfilling and satisfying.

Our house has assumed a flavour of Asia...carpets and wall-hangings, pillow covers and dishes... Books, books and more books...for the girls, for homeschooling, for me, for B...novels, learn-to-read books, travel books, text books, atlases, learn-Hindi books, and religious books of numerous stripes and leanings. And clothes, not too many, but favourites...I unpacked about four saris...and then wondered where to take them to be dry cleaned.

Then wondered where I would wear my lovely saris...well, we are sharing at an upcoming conference and so I think I'll be sari-clad for the weekend. I must seize the opportunities that come my way. Saris are not typical attire in this part of the world. I know, you probably think they aren't typical attire for much other than South Asia. But in urban England and the mega city of Toronto and probably many other cosmopolitan locations they are not as uncommon as one would think. And I feel like a sari is one of the most universally appealing and attractive garments for women available anywhere in anytime. They fold and pleat and cover and swish. The very nature of the outfit makes you stand taller and move with elegance. And that's not to mention the variety and detail of the fabric...patterns, borders, sparkle, shimmer, beading, embroidery...whatever your fancy there is one that will appeal to your taste and the occasion.

...so I didn't expect this to turn into an accolade of the sari...

But I began thinking of the fact that in the midst of delight there can be the pang of loss and regret.

And then as all this was upon us, life carried on. Studies needed to be tended to. Jobs needed to be completed. Food needed to be made. Children needed to be fed. Commitments called from every direction... That just about did me in. I didn't know how I would keep track of everything that needed to be done, never mind get it done...and each day seemed to add another obligation...some desirable and some burdensome.

Yet, as I look over the week I was blessed by having three women listen to me. And it was me and my woes and worries and wanderings... Looking at the three women in my mind it makes me marvel that I could have three such different voices speaking to me and the result be so similar. I felt like they had space for me...I felt invited into their lives.

B and I have been tossing around thoughts about the future...nothing clear...it feels like we are moving in a particular direction, but where it's leading is anything but clear. I think that's what's making it hard to find the energy to reenter life here. By now, you would think that I should have embraced the reality of all of us passing through each others lives and to savour the moments given to us. And in many ways while I was staying still I found it easy to welcome people into our life, for a meal, a weekend, a month and longer... But with me being the one on the move, coming to terms with uncertainty and transition, it feels harder to reach out and enter in.

Dictates of culture?

Well, to start off, apparently with our new Mac I have to find another program to be able to use all the fun blogger features. I may just try editing with Brian's laptop...ahhhh, the joys of being a two computer family!

But, I was thinking about the concept of truth...maybe you should call truth a construct, I am not sure. In fact, I am taking a stream of consciousness break to find definitions that I can hang my thoughts on...

So according to Dictionary.com, a concept is: a general notion or idea; or a directly conceived or intuited object of thought. It is also a possible synonym for construct, which is defined as: an image, idea, or theory, especially a complex one formed from a number of simpler elements.

Possible distinctions are the a concept is a bit of thought, something you concieve in your mind, where as a construct, while having the same elements of being a bit of thought, also has the element of a more complex thing formed of simpler parts. So I suppose the truth is in this case being the simplest thing a concept...and then being made palatable by coming under the shelter of tact and diplomacy it is then more of a construct.

Let me back up a moment... I found myself fielding questions in an impromptu discussion period this past week. Now, I should clarify that I was not uncomfortable doing this, but upon conclusion of the session I was told that I presented a bleak picture of the topic of conversation. Now, for interests sake, I am going to try not to mention the issue being discussed because the general consensus will likely be that the situation is bleak. If you chose to see the situation as not 'bleak' then you are considering angles that would not normally impinge on the course of thought pertaining to this issue.

But for argument sake, let's say I presented an unfairly bleak picture then what should my response be. I am thinking that my response should be one of apology and self-correction. But what if I told the bare truth and offended an observer, should I then also apologize and self-correct for the sake of the offended party. Now, what if the offended party is a guest, does it then bear more heavily on me to apologize?

For me I felt put in an unbearable situation, where the implication was put out that I was presenting an unfairly impoverished senario, and yet I knew that the things I spoke of and the examples I used were true, in fact they were verifiably true. And the hardest thing was to choose my response: 1) to stick to the truth and bear with those around me who were trying to improve the opinion of the situation or 2) back up and affirm the new angle being endorsed, for the sake of peace and comfort for the guest and host.

I tried to walk the line...and succeeded in feeling offended, misunderstood and misrepresented...not a successful end to an otherwise enjoyable evening. In the course of the follow-up conversation it was implied that:
1) I was generalizing something that is specific and local.
2) I did not understand the context I was speaking of.
3) I was causing a stir to garner sympathies.
4) I was behaving in a patronizing manner, espousing outdated sympathies alongside some stripe of fundamentalist.
5) I knew no more than an immature, inexperienced do-gooder.

Needless to say I walked away feeling like I had spoken to the ostrich and his partner. And I had the distinct thought that I was just scolded for telling inappropriate stories. Now, I must add that I was often in situations while living in the UK where I knew that my observation, opinion or experience was incongruent with generally accepted norms. In that case, I realized that I was being culturally out-of-step and changed the conversation direction and the other parties involved cheerfully joined in the new direction...

All this leads me to the question:

Am I culturally out of step here?

That is a very sad thought.

Passion, Productivity and Pay

So I am all wired up with my new task...part of the steering committee for the newly formed collaborative organization called the ENVIRONMENTAL FILM NETWORK.

We had the first showing of the National Film Board's TOXIC TRESPASS. A fantastic, although somewhat disturbing documentary on the state of health and the environment in the Windsor - Sarnia region. The plan is to follow this film with three others this fall, once a month, and see if we can maintain a level of interest that will sustain the network. I am so excited. It feels like it had been a long time since I could really sink my teeth into something that I feel passionate about...maybe that's not entirely true.

There has been plenty of things I felt passionate about, but through circumstances they have been stripped away. This feels like a new thing that I can invest time and energy and feel like I am making a contribution to the community I now find myself in. To tell the truth I am really hoping this can turn into a way that I can earn enough to make a significant contribution to supporting the family.

This convergence of passion, productivity and pay is the way to go. I feel passionate about the topic...the work isn't burdensome, I enjoy it and we have had a measure of success...so now the icing on the cake would be to be able to be paid for doing all this...we'll see...

I was thinking about clothes...

How cliched is it to write a post about clothes...especially if the writer in question is a woman...

But I was thinking about clothes...nice clothes...comfy clothes...clothes that say something, literally and clothes that say something figuratively.

Thers is a funny thing about how we present ourselves. I once was told that people don't dress for themselves, but for others. At the time I was in High School and vehemently protested that gross generalization...but as I get to know myself I wonder whether the kernal of truth in that statement applies to me more or less these days.

As some of you who know me might know is that I have a particular penchant for bright colours, patterns and things with textures. Given that having a proclivity to either of these would make dressing oneself interesting...the combination can produce 'interesting' results.

While in High School and University, I wore a 'devil-may-care' attitude in regards to my clothing because I could. I knew that I was smart enough to be able to command respect even if my clothing reflected a less than intelligent persona...the interesting thing was the cheekiest comments were usually muttered by other women in my classes. I think that there could have been a number of reasons for this but by far the most gracious thing for me to think is that she was bothered by women looking too 'unprofessional' and therefore not being given the respect they deserved. I must add that I was studying in a male dominated program.

Looking back I can see that I was really resisting being put into that box labeled 'PROFESSIONAL WORKING WOMAN'. Not that there is anything wrong with the box, but it wasn't a good fit for me then or likely even now. A few months back I quoted Erin from Dress-a-Day talking about Dressing for FUN (//www.dressaday.com/2007/07/moths-in-pocketbook-caution-long-entry.html)...I am still working that out.

I would like to be able to dress for fun...Since our shipment of 'stuff' has yet to arrive...only one month late at this point; I have had to buy clothes. Now, I must confess a overly frugal streak in buying for myself. WIth all the necessities of life, my mind still tells me money should not be spent on clothes for me. Throw this in contrast with wanting to have beautiful things and you can imagine the turmoil I am in when I go shopping for myself.

But I bit the bullet this week and shopped for me...There was a Half-Price sale at Value Village and then Happy Hour at the Sally-Ann with half-price clothes...and I thought I was done. Of course, I am also not a great planner...not a great matcher and so I ended up with pretty things that didn't cost much but didn't match much either.

Here again I become thankful for my hubby...he is good at plannning, matching and spending. He went grocery shopping this week and I made a negative remark which I had to apologize for. He likes to buy the girls nice things and have treats in the house; and so when he went shopping he bought nice things and treats...and spent more than I would have liked.

But here I am trying to correct my thoughts about money, to change my view of money as a limited resource to money as a renewable resource and I got caught. I want to be able to know and believe that money is renewable and so I don't have to be stingy...so I was tested and found my attitude back at money as a limited resource.

All of that brings me to today...we had a full morning. Dance class for P and A...nothing as cute as that; although P came out of class saying in a very mournful kind of way with a hint of disdain, "We didn't do Ballet, we did songs!" Then we all went to Home Depot for the FREE Children's Seminar...birdhouse building. Then it was time for a snack. The big girls and B had bought Persians( a particularly Thunder Bay treat...a doughnut style cinnamon bun with Strawberry Icing) and I wanted something to do while they snacked...sale at Cotton Ginny...should I?...shouldn't I?

And B kicked me out of the car with some cash to go and see what I could find. Well, it was summer clothes and I didn't want to spend on summer clothes; or so I thought. In the end I bought a whole outfit...skirt, t-shirt and jacket for $20...and it's lovely. And I realize that even compared to buying used clothes, that's a good deal. And because B sent me in I thought about matching and co-ordinating...and it does. And it's colour and texture and it will be happy to wear...and it co-ordinates with the clothes I bought earlier this week. So I sorted and tried on things and purged and my closet is not full, but it has things I like, things that feel nice, things that have colour and things that fit...happy am I.

Now what about shoes...???

I don't remember where I was when I heard that Princess Di had died!

I was listening to the radio on Friday as I drove around shopping for work...not the best thing to be doing on the Friday of a holiday weekend. As I listened I heard bits and pieces of segments on the death of Princess Di. As I listened to CBQ, I heard a call in asking the question, "Where were you when Princess Di died, or when you heard the news?"

...so I thought about it...

And I realized that I don't know...Of course, it was a tragedy; a life cut short in a senseless and frivolous manner is always a tragedy. But it wasn't a significant event in my world. In fact, for me it was eclipsed by the death of two other "celebrities". As I thought about the death of Princess Di, I remembered that she died in the same week as Mother Theresa and near the same time as the Christian singer/songwriter Rich Mullins. Only just now I checked and found out that Mother Theresa died on the 5th of September and Rich Mullins, on the 19th...not as close as my mind had led me to believe.

Even now as I think about it I still have this sense that the death of these other less known benefactors has been more of a blow to the people who they were serving. It would be silly for me to overlook the charitable things that Princess Di did and the publicity that she drew to them, but Mother Theresa lived a life away from the spotlight pouring her life out onto those who could never repay her. And for those of you who don't know Rich Mullins; he was a very successful American Christian Singer/Songwriter, who had all his earnings given to his church and had them dole out a working man's salary for him to live on, while the remainder was put into organizations who work among the poor and disadvantaged, including Kid Brothers of St Frank, which now comes under The Legacy of A Kid Brother of St Frank.

And even in the comments I have heard, the reflections on Princess Di with the exception of the relfections of her sons, are like those of starstruck fans. People who saw her, people who thought she was beautiful, people who thought she was treated badly by her husband, her mother-in-law, the press...but none of these people were loved and cared for by her, their lives were not enriched by having her as a friend or mentor... They just looked at her from afar...they saw her as one who lived that Princess Dream, but never got her 'happily ever after'. And I think we mourn for her because we all long for the 'happily ever after'. Looking to these other two lives of self-sacrifice and willing poverty makes us more uncomfortable, less able to indulge in our desire for wealth with a clear conscience...

Often I have heard the little ditty:
So heavenly minded, no earthly good...
But I've been thinking that the more heavenly-minded you are the more earthly good you can do...

While I hope that Diana's sons can move into adulthood as young men who have matured through their sufferings and continue to recall the love they received from her. I do not look to her as a model for life, but to others who are examples of "picking up their cross and following Him"; who would have never dreamed of saying, "Imitate me as I imitate Christ", although the statement applies to the life they lived.