The love of a parasite?

If you have a relationship based on need, I can't survive without the energy that I draw from you.  You have not reached a loving relationship; you have reached the relationship of a parasite.  Bruxy Cavey, of the  Meeting House said this in a sermon entitled A Revolution of Love.

This struck a chord with me today.  In some ways I can say that this quote reflects my experience.  As a young woman, I recall having an aversion to needing someone or to being so needed by someone...part of it was my own issues with being dependent on another; but also I did not want to be so vital to another that their happiness was hung on me...too much pressure!

And when it came to marriage I remember my husband to be saying that he didn't need me.  At first blush this might be a terribly unromantic statement.  I understood him to be saying I do not need to be with you, I want to be with you.  The reason that I understood this was because he was speaking a reality that I was experiencing.  I did not need to be married, but I really wanted to be, I chose to be.  

There is a shadow in this that can help to illustrate my relationship with God...in some ways every single human being needs God and needs to be in relationship with Him.  So I cannot say that I did or do not need God, but my need was not based on needing to subscribe to a social construct or social expectation.  My need was birthed in the light of a deep desire to be living a meaningful life, I knew that this life needed to be connected to my Creator, my Father, who cares deeply for my well being and was complete without me, but still sought out relationship with me.  There is a relief in God not being dependent on my love, and an honour to know that He wants it.  For me this is a freedom to come to God as I am, warts, flaws, hurts, frustrations and all...no need to shield Him from what is within me...He already beholds it all.

Maybe I am a parasite, a bit of blue moss, on the tree that is God...but since He doesn't suffer from my presence, the relationship is not truly parasitic... I could maybe make an argument that is is symbiotic, as in commensalism...but that will have to wait for another time.  For now I cling to the tree, sink myself into him and drink deeply of the nourishment he provides.

People are the same...

I came away from this morning with a profound sense of sadness. I think I had allowed myself to have expectations and I should know better. I always cope poorly well with disappointment.

It's funny how after awhile of being in the hills I got used to being on the outside. You know, you face the reality of the colour of your skin and know that you have to live with it. But I think I forgot that here the colour of your skin is less important than the image you cultivate through your speech, attire and activities. Maybe I am mistaken, because my skin colour matches the predominant colour, so perhaps today I just felt a different level of exclusion.

So while I was living on the hillside I consciously chose to embrace the cultural 'signs' (totems) that indicated to the dominant culture who I was and how I wanted to be treated. But coming 'home' I know I decided to make a choice I enjoy being me because I should have more freedom to do so. I am also reminded that I said to a few friends that maybe if I don't exactly match then when what I say doesn't match people will be more prepared. However, I was not prepared to be standing on the outside as clearly as I felt it today.

Overall, it felt like the sense of not belonging was confirmed...maybe we don't belong...maybe I need to find solace in that. Usually, I can embrace the future hope of looking forward to a place that I do belong...but today I feel tired.



I was just looking for a photo to add...it was a good reminder of the goodness of belonging to a family. I can say that I love the family that I have been given. And I am so pleased to have my husband to walk through all of this with.

I have had advice from dear friends that console me with the fact that sometime between 1 year and 3.5 I will begin to feel normal...Here's a quote from one friend HP says "...The day you feel normal is the day you do not miss your old life and you are content in the new one..."

I currently feel doubtful about feeling normal...but I do long for contentment to be oozing out of my pores and flooding my sensibilities.