People are the same...
I came away from this morning with a profound sense of sadness. I think I had allowed myself to have expectations and I should know better. I always cope poorly well with disappointment.
It's funny how after awhile of being in the hills I got used to being on the outside. You know, you face the reality of the colour of your skin and know that you have to live with it. But I think I forgot that here the colour of your skin is less important than the image you cultivate through your speech, attire and activities. Maybe I am mistaken, because my skin colour matches the predominant colour, so perhaps today I just felt a different level of exclusion.
So while I was living on the hillside I consciously chose to embrace the cultural 'signs' (totems) that indicated to the dominant culture who I was and how I wanted to be treated. But coming 'home' I know I decided to make a choice I enjoy being me because I should have more freedom to do so. I am also reminded that I said to a few friends that maybe if I don't exactly match then when what I say doesn't match people will be more prepared. However, I was not prepared to be standing on the outside as clearly as I felt it today.
Overall, it felt like the sense of not belonging was confirmed...maybe we don't belong...maybe I need to find solace in that. Usually, I can embrace the future hope of looking forward to a place that I do belong...but today I feel tired.
I was just looking for a photo to add...it was a good reminder of the goodness of belonging to a family. I can say that I love the family that I have been given. And I am so pleased to have my husband to walk through all of this with.
I have had advice from dear friends that console me with the fact that sometime between 1 year and 3.5 I will begin to feel normal...Here's a quote from one friend HP says "...The day you feel normal is the day you do not miss your old life and you are content in the new one..."
I currently feel doubtful about feeling normal...but I do long for contentment to be oozing out of my pores and flooding my sensibilities.
Labels: home, relationship, transition
posted by marla @ 5:03 PM
3 comments
3 Comments:
I'm so sorry that you had a lonely, disappointing morning. I'm still praying for you as you transition.
We have been here almost 2 years now and most the time I feel normal. But there are still times when I feel I don't belong. And you are right, we don't belong in this world. You would think in the body we all belong, however it doesn't always feel so. Enjoy your family and find a couple people to connect with.
We lived in North Van for 3 and a half years, and I was still looking forward to the day when I would feel "included", as part of "them", but it never really came. Sometimes, you never get to be part of them, but you are always part of an "us" at some level, whether it is your family, friends (wherever they may be), etc. Although it doesn't soothe that desire to be included in the broader realm, there is some solace in your "us". By the way, I was kidding about the castanets, sorry if that added to what you were feeling. I did like what you were wearing.
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