People are the same...

I came away from this morning with a profound sense of sadness. I think I had allowed myself to have expectations and I should know better. I always cope poorly well with disappointment.

It's funny how after awhile of being in the hills I got used to being on the outside. You know, you face the reality of the colour of your skin and know that you have to live with it. But I think I forgot that here the colour of your skin is less important than the image you cultivate through your speech, attire and activities. Maybe I am mistaken, because my skin colour matches the predominant colour, so perhaps today I just felt a different level of exclusion.

So while I was living on the hillside I consciously chose to embrace the cultural 'signs' (totems) that indicated to the dominant culture who I was and how I wanted to be treated. But coming 'home' I know I decided to make a choice I enjoy being me because I should have more freedom to do so. I am also reminded that I said to a few friends that maybe if I don't exactly match then when what I say doesn't match people will be more prepared. However, I was not prepared to be standing on the outside as clearly as I felt it today.

Overall, it felt like the sense of not belonging was confirmed...maybe we don't belong...maybe I need to find solace in that. Usually, I can embrace the future hope of looking forward to a place that I do belong...but today I feel tired.



I was just looking for a photo to add...it was a good reminder of the goodness of belonging to a family. I can say that I love the family that I have been given. And I am so pleased to have my husband to walk through all of this with.

I have had advice from dear friends that console me with the fact that sometime between 1 year and 3.5 I will begin to feel normal...Here's a quote from one friend HP says "...The day you feel normal is the day you do not miss your old life and you are content in the new one..."

I currently feel doubtful about feeling normal...but I do long for contentment to be oozing out of my pores and flooding my sensibilities.

Mourning

I think I finally put my finger on the state of affairs in our household...we are in mourning...

We have all experienced a real loss and yet life goes on. So we all do our thing and 'get on with life' and then...SMASH...you are hit with a reminder of what is missing...a dear friend...a lovely home...a way of life... And a wave of grief crests over you and crashes in on your unsuspecting soul.

...the insignificance of being...realizing how dispensable you really are...wondering if you will ever reach that coveted place called 'home'...

Of course, there is love all around but that doesn't cover the sting of loss...

I know that the potency of the sorrow will diminish. And that there will be a time when happy memories will come without the hollow feeling that reminds me that something is missing...but for now we mourn...perhaps tomorrow will dawn with reminders of joy in the present and anticipation of blessings of the future...

Now I am off to lose myself in George Macdonald's The Highlander's Last Song... one of the books that I count as an old friend...

Transients, Vagrants, Immigrants and Us

So it's been a week since we arrive in Thunder Bay...my Dad sent me this

Marla - in regard to your blog - your friends around the world would like to hear that you have survived the Sasquatch of B.C. the Grizzlies of Alberta, the Potash mines of Saskatchewan and the rains of Manitoba and the moose of Ontario on your way back to this backward town; where they have a sleeping giant made of rock.
Love your Dad.

So I thought that I'd let all of you know that we made it and survived the hazards and insanity of three weeks on the road with our 4 girls. We made the trip more about time together and visiting friends than about sight seeing and 'educational' things. I think that was a good call so that when it was really hot and uncomfortable we just hung out without trying to squeeze activity into every moment.

Our time in South Korea was a balm to us. CH provided us with time to reconnect with students, who were very affirming of our work with them.

We also had the chance to indulge our taste buds in every sort of tasty way...R and M even worked up the courage to eat raw fish!!! We also had the chance to sit in hot tubs of assorted colours...brown, green, yellow(a bit disconcerting), pink and whitish. The spa we visited had a variety of hot tubs filled with various kinds of tea, as well as a grape one and a rice water one...unfortunately no photos...but we tried them all. And as a conclusion we visited CH's home town and attended Wednesday evening service with the congregation that his mother pastors. Again we were so blessed...we felt truly welcome among them. We left with an extra suitcase filled with beautiful as well as tasty gifts.

Landing back in Canada was so different...no one was there to meet us...the cheapest transport to the hotel in Vancouver was a limousine. And everything had the strange feel of familiarity although we hadn't been there for a long time.

As we crossed the country we stayed with friends along the way...it was a slow easing back into Canadian culture. I remember someone telling me that when you had to take the boat to India at least you got time on the way home to process some of what you had been through and prepare for what you were entering into. In the age of air travel, we still took the slow boat home.

Upon arriving we found that P likely had an ear infection...one problem our health coverage needs a few months to kick in... My dear mother-in-law got on the case and found a clinic that we could go to that didn't require payment nor a health insurance number...what kind of place is that, you might ask. Well, as we learned it is a service geared towards the sector of society that for whatever reason is transient; which includes those among us who are vagrant, homeless, new immigrants and apparently us! But happy for us, the clinic is staffed by competent medical professionals who wanted to serve us without needing lengthy explanations. And since we weren't looking for narcotics ( which several large signs declared they would not give out ) we left with a prescription in hand, which quickly alleviated P's sore ear...

Unfortunately two days later we were back, with M this time...and then the next day A had the same symptoms... By this point I didn't really feel like going for a third time in four days back to sit in a waiting room to hear the same diagnosis and receive the same prescription. However, since we are no longer in India I had limited choices...so I took out the antibiotics that we already had and tried to figure out how they could be split among three children. Fortunately for me the nurse practitioner gave me a ten day prescription for M...I had only a 5 day prescription for P...so I am just coming to the end of about 7 days for M, six for A and P finished her 5 days on the weekend.

The annoying thing is that there are no options...I must have a prescription to buy most medications. Whether or not I have a doctor who is able to see me...whether or not I should have a standing order...I need a new prescription for each round of medication. You might think that it is a sensible thing to distribute drugs with only express Doctor's orders. And generally, I would agree with you, but there are times when regulation just adds to the work and cost of getting what you are compelled by necessity to get.

I was think about this in regard to child/baby carseats...now I am not objecting to the use and efficacy of carseat...but the problem I see is legally requiring something that must be bought at nearly prohibitive prices. And then for those of us who have large families the cost is increased because your carseat will have an expiry date...5 or 10 years...which might seem like a long time to someone who has 2 children, but for 4 you end up having to re-buy. I was wondering at the fairness of requiring something and then allowing those things to be sold on the free market where they can be priced as high as the makers would like to price them because you have to buy them?!...

Well, that's my current beef with life in Canada. On the other hand, it has been a boon to us to have family around caring for us...I have been enjoying an abundance of tortilla chips and salsa...the girls love their new pink room...B has painted my kitchen apple green and yellow(I love it!!)...we planted some more flowers today...and tomorrow we plan to find the Farmer's Market to avail ourselves of seasonal fruits and berries.

Thanks to all who housed and fed us on our excursion...I have not forgotten you, I'll be in touch with a personal thanks when life settles a little more into a routine.