Becoming a Christian...an act of rebellion?!

I spent a good portion of this weekend annoyed...annoyed with the self-righteousness of the people who think that because they have experienced 'altered states of consciousness" due to the use of substances; they have a more valid opinion on the use of and lifestyle involving these things...argh!

In hindsight, I suffer from amazement that I did not use alcohol, tobacco and drugs to alter my mind and widen my experiences. It was all available and not really prohibited. My parents and the adults around me had the attitude that 'sex, drugs and rock n'roll' were all part of the process of growing up. Now, I might have had people espousing a more moral lifestyle but I was intuitive enough to see that they were not living by the standards they were teaching.

So when I entered university, although my family life was checkered and unstable, the part of life that I had control over was successful. I had a boyfriend...popular, good-looking, intelligent, and on the university basketball team. I had a scholarship that was covering my tuition. I was able to achieve honour-roll standing without putting myself out. I had a part-time job that I was thriving in and being paid well .

...sounds like something I could take credit for, eh? But what it led me to was a deep sense of dissatisfaction. If I could set up my life at age 18, 19, so that it was all on a trajectory towards comfort, security and success; then there must be more. If fact, I became so sure that there must be more that I started exploring more...however, that never included substance abuse. Why?

You see, I had the unfortunate experience...maybe not that unfortunate...to be able to see lives that were touched by smoking, drugs and alcohol...they were not successful lives. They were lives that trapped people. Once headed in that direction these lives never turned around. I now know that it is possible to break out of these destructive lifestyles; but at that time in my life I only saw grief-filled devastated lives.

I also noticed people behaving stupidly, and out of control, wasting time, money and energy. People had experiences that didn't seem to make them better human beings; so there were no positive selling features. I was not willing to put myself under the control of a substance or of another person...I knew that I could trust neither to have my best interests at heart.

...somehow, I began having conversations about spiritual life. I wanted to know the whys and hows. Quite honestly, my friends and loved ones who had 'spiritual experiences' through drugs just spewed the same kind of 'new-age crap'. And when I looked at their lives I did not see that the things they talked about...freeing their minds...had any beneficial effect on them. In fact, after the experience they were not changed, nor moved to impact the world around them.

I knew that I wanted to live a life that mattered...in fact, even today I want to be able to be part of something beyond myself. Did it matter if I was happy and made lots of money? That seemed to be the mantra of the world around me...be happy, not too happy...make money, get things, and everything will be fine.

The reason I entered the program I did in university was because it was a subject that I could do and come out with a career that would provide me with money, success and security. I knew then as I know now that I was not passionate about the field...just capable...

Even today, B most often uses that word for me...capable... The challenge is that I know if I am pushing life forward by my own ability then I am not letting God lead. Whenever I step back and see that I have been making decisions on my own; I then know that I need to stop and reconsider my track. In my life, I can unequivocally say that if my life does not need God and the people around me then I have slipped back into my old habits; I am then retuning to the lifestyle that I left behind. The next step is to humble myself, repent and ask forgiveness. And, usually, I need to ask Brian for help to connect me back to my 'now reality'.

You see, the year between my 19th and 20th birthdays I found who I was searching for...I suppose you could say that He found me, but I think that He was probably there all along and I just needed to be able to see Him.

What began and an act of rebellion against the messages of my culture resulted in a deep humbling of my soul before an Almighty and Powerful God? And He didn't make it easy for me. For those of you who know me, you already know that I am not given to spells of emotional breakdown. In fact, I really try not to be overcome by my emotions...but in that first encounter I was, in such a real and unexpected way. I knew that He knew me...not like the people around me knew me, but in a deep and no-holds barred kind of way. And I knew that life could never be the same after that.

I suppose as I draw all this together, my conclusion is that we all experience the angst of forging an identity for ourselves separate from the world around us. But my question to myself continues to be to did I forge that identity by the messages that the world whispered into my ear or by the messages of the Creator who whispers into my heart?