You know you live in a small community when...

I can recall several instances when I was stunned to realize how much people know about what happens in our house and family. Like when one woman was coming to work in my house and she said I know what you like to eat...and she was right. Or when we were returning from a weekend away...we had made a last minute decision to go...and as we drove through the Bazaar the shop keepers asked how our time away was!?!

Again today I had another experience like this. Yesterday afternoon, B had taken me into the Bazaar to see a doctor...nothing serious. Usually I walk out to a friend's house on Tuesday mornings for a ladies meeting, but this morning I decided to stay home. I had no sooner made the decision when I got a call from another friend asking if we were meeting at my house since I was feeling sick...? I have no idea how she found out.

While it can be disconcerting to have your life on display...there is also a warm feeling of belonging that I appreciate. When you know that your life is being lived before the community I think it helps you to live deliberately and consciously.

Then and Now

So...my dear friend invited me to join Facebook...so I did. I didn't really know anything about it and I must admit to finding it curiously addictive. One thing that I did not expect was finding high school classmates on it. Actually, I didn't really think about classmates finding me. The friend from Junior High, who found me, was such a surprise...I had been trying to reconnect with her without success for a while. Then there was a guy, whose name I did not recognize...weird...upon seeing his photo I placed him, but had seriously not seen or heard of him in over 15 years.

But that has led me to introspection about who I was then and who I am now. I know that I am more me now then I was then, but I wonder what I would think upon meeting myself then... I think I am self aware enough to say I was more abrasive then, more sarcastic and more aggressive... but I was also less confident of my own identity and I know that I hid from myself as much as I hid from those around me.

I can say that I am honestly thankful that some of my edges have been worn away. There are things I like about myself much more now...like the fact that I am less defensive and need less approval from the world around me. But it all makes me think that if I were to meet up with people who knew me then, would they recognize me, would the teenage me inhibit relationship with the 30-something me, would I find that despite what I have gained from the years since high school I have also lost part of me.

I suppose part of my thoughts are spurred on by the knowledge of returning to Thunder Bay and wondering what it will be like. There is a part of me that finds comfort in knowing that I am known, particularly by the ALL-KNOWING ONE. But also part of me that is sad to have many of my friendships split in segments of my life. In some ways I think it make me a bit of a fractured person...there is so much comfort in not having to explain myself...

At the same time I am so thankful to have a partner to journey with...since the end is not in sight. I wonder what my 40-something self will think of my 30-something self...

P.S. Thanks to Doug for his thoughts on being Canadian...I think he is accurate in defining a Canada as a country of observers...and a people who are satisfied in learning but not always doing. In fact that defines a lot about me...learning but not doing...

To be Canadian...

Just been thinking about what it is to be Canadian. After living in Asia, as well as, England, and the US, I know that there is something distinctive about being Canadian. I had to learn how life is done in different places and the challenges weren't just over language barriers, food or dress.

I realized that living here I will always be and outsider. One of the best compliments I ever received was from a neighbour, who described me to her mother as being more Indian than American. I didn't bother trying to correct her to say that I wasn't American anyway.

The thing is, and I am not trying to be offensive, the thing is I am the wrong colour to belong here. I know this because I have met Caucasians who have lived here, even been born here and they are often asked where they come from. And if they say they are Indian, the questioning continues, ...but what is your father? ...he is Indian ...but... There is no peace for the questioner. Even more difficult is when you know the language and you can hear people talking about you...usually it is not flattering.

So I was thinking that my girls need somewhere to belong...can they belong to Canada? One of the things we have grown to appreciate more and more about Canada is the diversity that calls itself Canadian...no ethnicity, no religion, no political view can define what it is to be Canadian. As a whole we tend more towards the left politically, we take pride in our National Health Programs. As a whole we like to identify ourselves as a Cultural Mosaic, we pride ourselves on our country of origin as well as our country of residence.

Living in the US...I was shocked to learn that no one knew what a perogy was...a yummy dish that finds it's roots in Eastern Europe, but is so part of Canadian cuisine that you can buy them by the bag in the frozen section of the grocery store. In fact perogies bear some similarities to a Tibetan dish called momos...and sauerkraut has an Asian incarnation in Kim chi...spaghetti is an European take on Oriental noodles or chow mein. What is Canadian food? ...bannock ...moose ...poutine ...whale blubber ...maybe the answer is yes, but all of this is just the beginning. Bannock and Moose come from our heritage in the First Nations People, while Poutine and meat pies come from our French heritage; whale blubber with smoked fish and dried meat find their roots in our Inuit heritage.

Now I am not a member of a First Nations People...I have no French blood in me...I or any of my ancestors have not lived in the land of the Midnight Sun. But by being Canadian I would include all of these traditions as influences that have formed me.I wonder if we as Canadians, who like to identify ourselves as Peace Keepers, should seriously embrace the fact that we are a Nations of Immigrants. In doing this we could model for the world a society that understands that we are as different as we are alike, but we are bound together by sharing living space. And in that sharing of space we are blessed by learning about each other, our picture of what it is to be human will be widened. In our humanity, we will defend each other's right embrace different worldviews with the expectation of dialogue and compassion. To be Canadian might just be the ability to love and respect someone who we don't and can't agree with.

Looking at Canada from the outside I see it as full of resources both in it's land and people; and yet I see complacency that keeps us from being a global force for good.

I'd love to hear what it means to you to be Canadian...whether or not you are a Canadian...whether or not you are in or out of Canada.

A big hole in the front yard...

So we returned home yesterday to two men digging in our front yard. They broke through the concrete slab and were digging and digging. Brian went to find out what they were up to. Apparently, they need to dig 12 feet down so the soil can be tested. Our duplex is going to be turned into a temporary boy's dormitory at some point in the next two years, but to accommodate everyone they will need to build a second story. Since our town is in a earthquake fault zone they need to figure out if the foundation will support another story. Meanwhile we have to keep all the small children away from the big hole...there is nothing like a hole in the middle of the yard to attract curious bodies. Excitement never ends.

We had a usually busy weekend with a lovely visit with a colleague's parents and friends from Delhi. But my big news is that my recent blood tests came back with my total cholesterol at 146.3....wa-hoo!!! Over the last year my cholesterol has never, ever been this low. When I was on meds for two months it went down to 150, but now with lifestyle changes and no drugs it's in the healthy range. It is so exciting to have all the effort finally pay off.

Sweet Thing with clouded thoughts.

A lives life at an intensity that the rest of us...and most of the world doesn't. Nothing with A is half way. So in the night when she was not feeling well I should have clued in earlier than I did.

She was feeling low with a barking cough, so we just tucked her in, prayed for her and gave her big hugs and kisses. Sometime after midnight the bed hopping began. Around 4, I took her back to her bed when I asked her what was bothering her she said the most fantastic thing...I asked her again to be sure...

My wings are hurting my back.

Lights flashing in my head...fever too high quick find the Brufen. I am still not sure what she meant, but she was so sincere that her wings were hurting her back so I didn't argue. After one dose and a little back rub, A was settled. I said good night and she told me we could finish the game in the morning(another random thought). However, her fever was dropping and she nodded off.

You can never really know what is going on in another's mind. You can listen to their words, watch their faces and body language, but you are just using "sagacious foresight"...a bit of intuition leading an educated guess to a tentative conclusion.

This is one of the things that makes relationships so tenuous. You can never have absolute certainty about what is moving through the other's mind. As your relationship grows you learn more about your partner and the thoughts that are likely to occupy their space...but you are just making an more educated guess with the possibility of a less tentative conclusion.

It's amazing in these days of suspicion and skepticism that people continue to make vows that include the words...until death do we part... Think about the weight of that commitment ...nothing should separate you from that person except the actual death of one of you...not the death of your love or the death of your happiness... In the glow of love and desire those words should be a sobering reminder of what you are walking into.

I have heard so many explanations about why marriage is out of fashion...women have more independence and money, less people want the burden of children, people are finding out who they are, the world is over populated, we are already committed what differnce is a piece of paper...some reasons are more plausible than others, but I think they are all excuses. The real reason is how can I know that this one person is the one, how can I trust myself to another person, how can I give up my own life for them.

We live with an immense amount of insecurity. We are unsure of ourselves and our purpose. How can we be sure of another person's committment?


The point is we can't. We can't change anyone, not even a spouse. We can't know every thought entertained in the mind of our partner. We can't be sure how we will grow and change over time, nevermind what might happen in and to the other.

In business relationships we commit to working out glitches, market slow-downs, and personnel problems; likewise in romantic relationships we have to commit to working it out because you just can't predict what will come about from within and without.

It's just a leap of faith...marriage is a step off into the unknown holding hands with another person, who is different than you.

Welcome to my stream of thought...by the way the reason that the wedding photo is so beat up is that B carries it around in his wallet. It was the only wedding photo we brought with us. Coming to our 13th anniversary I am thankful for my husband and the fact that he is different than I am. I think that we both would agree that we have refined each other over the years. So for anyone contemplating that leap , know that it is a lot of hard work, but generally very worth the trouble.

Quotes from my Husband

So, I was reading over B's shoulder as he typed an email or two last night...I was reading with permission. I usually avoid reading over his shoulder because he finds it annoying which I totally understand.

So, I was reading as he slipped into the language of academia...fantastic... I thought I'd share a few quotes and hope that you are as entertained as I was.

Or is that, again, our Aristotelian minds looking for taxonomies to file things under?

I know it was all the rage earlier last century but that was, as I understand it, more of a death-throes-of-modernity Hegelian/Whitehead version. Some of the Orthodox theologians have returned with a vengeance proposing their Cappadocian Patristic versions of it, giving their concepts ridiculous titles.

His version of the Shakyamuni somehow embodies the whole Mahayana process of transferring Buddhist soteriological focus off of the Dharma and onto the person of the Buddha.

I love reading his academic language because it presents such a challenge to my brain to distill the essence of what he is saying into 'real world' English.

So, that leads me to the thought that I am not really suited to that kind of academic world. It might be that I am not suited to that sort of academic realm. B, on the other hand, loves that world...he loves the studying, research and dialogue that comes with that territory. Now, he has just begun corresponding with people looking for a Doctorate program, so he dusted off his old vocabulary and is putting it to use. I remember reading some of his essays while he was working on his Masters. It really did get to the point that I could read it through and still not really know what was being said... All that said if anyone knows of a University with a reputable Religious Studies Graduate Program, do let us know. That will be our next port of call after our year or so in TBay.

P.S. These are photos from B's grad last March...it's a rented robe so we don't have it anymore. However, he does have his student robes...did you know that he had to write his exams sub fusc, wearing a suit and robe (sub fusc is the term for wearing your suit and robe)?

..our camera died, M turned 9 and I saw a Cardiologist!

...so as you can see by the title is has been a full weekend. What an awful time for our camera to break down...and then for fun it started working for a couple of hours and then stopped...again...

M had her 9th birthday on Friday the 13th...no bad luck in our house...just lots of snacks, small people, giggles and very little sleep. Thursday night we ended up setting up two tents in our front room and had the bigger girls in one and the slightly littler girls in the other. The big girls are all such sensible girls...they chatted...read by flashlight(torch, for those of you not in NA)...and then went to sleep. The other tent...yikes...once we got settled in ...got over being homesick ...finished the giggles ...stories ...goodnight kisses ...one moment of tears ...and finally sleep came. Until about 3:00 in the morning, suddenly there were giggles and small figures dashing through the living room, where B and I sleep; only by that point it was P and I, B had left to find a quieter spot. By 3:30 the dull roar needed to be checked; I was informed that it was midnight snack time. Finally, at 4:00, all lights were extinguished ...lullabies were sung...and silence returned to the household. Only to be broken three short hours later...time for pancakes and sausages!!!!

By the time all the children were returned to their parents ...a quiet, sleepy happiness descended.

And it was only noon on Friday. The whole weekend lay ahead of us. M got her ears pierced on Saturday...we had two picnics on Sunday... and I went to DD with a friend to see her doctor. Despite, the apparently full weekend ...we add two trunk fulls of paper stuff to the recycling bin...added a heap of clothes and books to the give-away pile and began the process of transferring ownership of our vehicle.

As for me and the Cardiologist...first visit...soundly rebuked in a quiet, but firm Eastern sort of way for not keeping my BP in check. I thought it was reasonable, but I have been told other wise. And then I was given a list of blood tests with instructions to return as soon as I get the results. So, I type with a bruise on my arm from where blood was drawn this morning...10 mLs ...seemed like an awful lot to me.

...and I cried...

For those of you who know me well, you know that I am not generally an emotional woman. So a friend dropped by yesterday at lunchtime to borrow a DVD for her class. And we chatted. She was asking me how we were doing with the move and things. And I shared simply.


She began to tell me about when her family left Africa and thought they were returning in a year. In the year that they were absent there was an evacuation from the country they were living in and they never returned. I started to say that I had hoped that I could say we would return in a year or two, but I feel like God is asking me to give up even that...


...and I suddenly was so overcome with a sense of loss that I couldn't recover and I wept.

I know that I am a bit out of touch with the emotional side of me...but it surprised me to be so undone.

I suppose part of my grief is due to very sad news I got that morning from a friend. It's the kind of news that shares part of the death of a dream...

In the last few years, B and I have often mused that part of the challenge of living in community is the shared griefs of the people. When your life rubs often against others you can't help but share in their experience...whether it is joys or sorrows.

A Living House and Martha Stewart

I found this very cool idea...I wish I had a backyard to build one in...
This is a living willow house. Apparently, you build it with willow twigs, which take root and grow. This particular house is two months old, with time the walls of the house will fill in making a fun place to play...sit...hide...read...eat...have secret meeting where the problems of the world are solved.

In my internet wanderings, as I looked for inspiration for downsizing and simplifying, I came across this:http://www.marthastewart.com/blueprint If you scroll down a bit you will come across an article called 100 Reasons To Get Rid of It...so here are my favourites...
2. People burn 55 minutes a day looking for things.
3. 80 percent of what we own we never use.
50. Getting rid of clutter will reduce housework by 40 percent.
89. Because you don't want to end up like the Bronx, New York, man who, in 2003, was trapped in his home under an avalanche of books and newspapers for two days before being rescued.

Things I'd like to do with 'stuff' if I had it:
17. youthfortechnology.orgPut scanners, computers, and cameras in the hands of deserving, impoverished kids around the world.
24. dressforsuccess.orgGive interview and work clothing to disadvantaged women.
55. Trade in an old iPod and receive a 10 percent discount on a new one.
83. Lose the road maps and get a GPS system to download up-to-date travel guides.

These are just cool things that you can do with stuff:
10. Swaporamarama.orgAttend nationwide clothing exchanges and do-it-yourself alteration workshops.
11. Wildzipper.comWatch as a pile of your favorite old T-shirts is converted into a quilt.
41. Nikereuseashoe.comRecycled footwear materials become sports and playground surfaces.
48. Gaiam.comPlastic soda bottles become durable hammocks.
49. Recycline.comYogurt containers become colorful plates, flatware, toothbrushes, and razors.
83. Lose the road maps and get a GPS system to download up-to-date travel guides.

Apparently, Martha Stewart ran out of good reasons for getting rid of stuff, so she filled the penultimate 5 with quotes like:
90. "Simplicity is the ultimate sophistication." -Leonardo da Vinci
91. "Less is more." -Ludwig Mies van der Rohe
92. "Have nothing in your houses that you do not know to be useful or believe to be beautiful." -William Morris
93. "You've got to accentuate the positive, eliminate the negative." -Johnny Mercer
94. "The joy of giving is indeed a pleasure, especially when you get rid of something you don't want." -Frank Butler and Frank Cavett, "Going My Way"

And the final word...
100. And what's the worst that can happen if you throw it out?

This shall be my mantra as I toss, give, sell and otherwise...get rid of 'it'.

Freegan? Steward?

I heard the term freegan for the first time this weekend and decided that I would find out if it was a made-for-the-moment term or if it was a well used and defined term. As I have learned it is a term that seems to have been in use for at least the past 5 years.

So what is a freegan? The word itself is a bit of a play on the word vegan. And like veganism, freeganism relates to a style of eating as part of a larger philosophy of life. At http://freegan.info/ they define themselves as :
Freegans are people who employ alternative strategies for living based on limited participation in the conventional economy and minimal consumption of resources. Freegans embrace community, generosity, social concern, freedom, cooperation, and sharing in opposition to a society based on materialism, moral apathy, competition, conformity, and greed.
From this definition I think many would be hard pressed to find fault with their philosophy. However, it is more likely the methods that they use to achieve this that has many fingers wagging and heads shaking. Although I think that the principles that their way of life are based on could help each of us live more consiously and responsibly. They list their principles of living as: Waste Reclamation, Waste Reduction, Eco-friendly Transportation, Rent-free Housing, Going Green, Working Less/Voluntary Joblessness. Not that I am espousing that we all become squatters, give up our cars and quit our jobs; but that we consider the resources that we put into what we do and what we own. In this consideration, I wonder if we would find that we could improve our quality of life by having more time for the things that matter...the people in our lives.

Now I must confess that although I find the posibility of this kind of lifestyle appealing on some levels; as a mother would have a hard time enforcing such a stringent and challenging lifestyle on my children. In some ways, I think we already push the limits of what parents can expect children to bear up under and not be resentful about. In fact, as R read over my shoulder last night, she declared that she does not want to try to live like that. Fair enough...she is entitled to begin to think about life independant of how I think about life...on the other hand there are principles to a more simple lifestyle that I want to embrace and pass on to my children.

This brings me to an interesting conversation I had with my Dad last night...it was so great we got phone calls yesterday form both sides of the family and I got to talk with both B's Mom as well as my Mom and Dad, my youngest brother, his girlfriend and my cousin...

Anyway, my Dad was ribbing my about a post...of course, he was riling me up by not telling me which one he was referring to...anyway, it got me thinking, which of course, was what he wanted to make me do...here I am putting my unadulterated thoughts on display for anyone to read...what kind of responsibility do I have to those who read?

Then it hit me this morning...like exploring the idea of a freegan lifestyle and what it would mean to me and then what impact would it have to those around me...the thoughts I post are things that I would like to interact with people about...and for whatever reason I don't have people present here to explore some of these things with...

So I will re-issue my invitation to anyone who reads my blog...please tell me if you think that I am being offensive, heretical, insulting, unrealistic, illogical or maybe verging on insane...

So returning to my initial subject... What do you think about a freegan lifestyle? Wikipedia says that it involves these activities: foraging(commonly called dumpster diving or skipping), wild foraging(as in foraging growing or gathering what is growing in your community), squatting, sharing of resources (like freecycle and freestores), ridesharing, community gardens, bicycle programs.

I was trying to think today of ways to incorporate some of the principles of freegan philosophy into the life that we live. I think that the most appealing thing for me is to live avoiding, as much as I am able, exploiting resources, whether those resources are things, animals or people. For a long time now I have been weighing in my mind what it means to be a steward of the world around me...maybe some of this will move me towards being a better steward of what I have been given.

Descriptive of Offspring

I wasn't going to post today...I think that everyone has heard enough about my woes regarding the impending transition. However, when visiting http://dressaday.com this morning I came across this fantastic quote...

Especially not anyone I spent a lot of time and effort PERSONALLY MAKING in my WOMB.

Erin, who writes this very fun blog, used this line referring to her son. I love it, someone I spent a lot of time and effort personally making in my womb. Of course, I am aware that there were other forces at work creating my girls inside my body...

For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. -Psalm 139:13

At the same time there is an element of working with God...He doesn't decide what you eat and how well you take care of yourself...you do that...and when you are pregnant you spend a lot of your energy, physically, mentally, spiritually and emotionally focused on what's going on with the tenant inside of your body.

As I consider the fact that my family has reached it's maximum size there is a pang of sadness. I have enjoyed so much of the experience of carrying, having and caring for wee ones. It is such a double edged experience...full to the brim with blessings and challenges. Now I face moving into the next phase of life...haven't had diapers in the house in over 18 months...on the cusp of having my own teenagers in the house(still 18 months away from now)... I have had to make peace with the fact that the lifestyle we are living has imposed limits on many things...including the number of children I can govern and raise.

So I will look fondly on the four small people that are in my house. When life is overwhelming, I will remind myself that I worked alongside God to bring them well into the world; and I need to continue to be with 'His program' to be able to send them well out into the world.