More thanks...

Thanks to Tom and Darren and late night games of India rails...this should include thanks to Jenn, who doesn't like board games, but doesn't mind sharing her husband with us.

Thanks to GCSchool and the folks at Grassroots who held back some of the best things from their closing out yard sale...since our shipment of household items is about one month late I don't know what we would have done without useful things for the house!!!

Thanks to Val and Margie, who love us just because...

Thanks to May...who popped by one day with ice cream, blueberries and a smoothie maker...

Thanks to the inventor of salsa and chips...I am indebted to them for the way that particular snack makes life seem so much better.

I think thinking of the thanks I could give is helping ease my perspective into a new slant.

We decided to spend money on the girls...so they get music lessons, the younger three get dance and R gets to join a choir. Happiness is abounding in their worlds! They may have to eat rice, potatoes and beans for the next few years, but at least they will get a chance to try their hands at the things they feel passionate about.

Oh yeah...and I am thankful to be at Burwood estates...we raise free range children here.

Thanks for noticing...

I just wanted to say to the Andersons that I have really appreciated all their support and understanding...and trusting us with their cuties. I think I was a bit taken aback that D has been reading my blog and then asking me about the things I had written. As I thought about it I think it was a really friendly thing to do.

One of the things that has been hardest is the feeling that some significant people in our lives haven't noticed how stressful this transition is. But I want to say thanks to those who are noticing us...

Thanks to the Kuchtas, who took us to Duluth...and shared their free hotel room with us. If sharing one hotel room (11 bodies total) isn't a sign of love I don't know what is...

Thanks to the Harbrons, who have included us in their events like we have never been absent...

Thanks to the Martins, who welcomed us as we came home and check in on us...Still waiting for the book K...

Thanks to PD, who got what I was saying about mourning because she's walking through her own loss...

I was thinking that I don't want my blog posts to turn into a little black cloud...but I want to be able to chronicle this process and somehow it's easier here than anywhere else. And I suppose I want to know that my friends are walking through it with me, as much as that's possible.

And thanks to Mom, Dad and Johnathan, who put up with nearly vegan meals, lots of onions and garlic and after dinner collisions with bikes and blades...

People are the same...

I came away from this morning with a profound sense of sadness. I think I had allowed myself to have expectations and I should know better. I always cope poorly well with disappointment.

It's funny how after awhile of being in the hills I got used to being on the outside. You know, you face the reality of the colour of your skin and know that you have to live with it. But I think I forgot that here the colour of your skin is less important than the image you cultivate through your speech, attire and activities. Maybe I am mistaken, because my skin colour matches the predominant colour, so perhaps today I just felt a different level of exclusion.

So while I was living on the hillside I consciously chose to embrace the cultural 'signs' (totems) that indicated to the dominant culture who I was and how I wanted to be treated. But coming 'home' I know I decided to make a choice I enjoy being me because I should have more freedom to do so. I am also reminded that I said to a few friends that maybe if I don't exactly match then when what I say doesn't match people will be more prepared. However, I was not prepared to be standing on the outside as clearly as I felt it today.

Overall, it felt like the sense of not belonging was confirmed...maybe we don't belong...maybe I need to find solace in that. Usually, I can embrace the future hope of looking forward to a place that I do belong...but today I feel tired.



I was just looking for a photo to add...it was a good reminder of the goodness of belonging to a family. I can say that I love the family that I have been given. And I am so pleased to have my husband to walk through all of this with.

I have had advice from dear friends that console me with the fact that sometime between 1 year and 3.5 I will begin to feel normal...Here's a quote from one friend HP says "...The day you feel normal is the day you do not miss your old life and you are content in the new one..."

I currently feel doubtful about feeling normal...but I do long for contentment to be oozing out of my pores and flooding my sensibilities.

Little thoughts...

I just got a little encouragement from a friend...thanks!!!

I just wanted to say thanks to all you who are keeping up with reading my blog. I think that the last few were more for me than anyone...just processing my inner space.

As I have reflected on this transition I am feeling like I need to find a new space to fit and I am not sure where to find it. I was hoping to catch up with Jeff and Ali while they were in the US...thinking that they would have words of wisdom as we follow them in settling back after thinking that life in the hills made sense and we would all be there a long, long time. It's not working out and that just adds to the sense of disjoint...of course, there are telephones and emails...but a chat over a cuppa is so much fuller.

So I am missing life in India...there is so much comfort I would give up to be back there again...alas, maybe the door will open in the future. My current life lesson is about not wanting what God is not giving me...learning to want what He is giving me...even if I can't see it yet!! Ahh, for the satisfaction with life that comes with living contentedly!!!

Mourning

I think I finally put my finger on the state of affairs in our household...we are in mourning...

We have all experienced a real loss and yet life goes on. So we all do our thing and 'get on with life' and then...SMASH...you are hit with a reminder of what is missing...a dear friend...a lovely home...a way of life... And a wave of grief crests over you and crashes in on your unsuspecting soul.

...the insignificance of being...realizing how dispensable you really are...wondering if you will ever reach that coveted place called 'home'...

Of course, there is love all around but that doesn't cover the sting of loss...

I know that the potency of the sorrow will diminish. And that there will be a time when happy memories will come without the hollow feeling that reminds me that something is missing...but for now we mourn...perhaps tomorrow will dawn with reminders of joy in the present and anticipation of blessings of the future...

Now I am off to lose myself in George Macdonald's The Highlander's Last Song... one of the books that I count as an old friend...

Full Plate and asking for more.

So I am about to enter the realm of the working women...not that I haven't been working for the past 11 and a half years. It's just that no one has been paying me for the things I have been doing; and I think I enjoyed the autonomy of that kind of lifestyle.

Now we are settling into life in Canada and trying to create a sustainable lifestyle...not one dependant on changeable factors, but one settled on what resources we have and earn to ease up on the stress of the past seven years and add to the necessary stability for the coming ones. B needs to get working on his proposal...he needs a full bibliography together before he can write it and apply. And life in the foothills didn't have the luxury of time to read nor an accessible library chockablock full of religious texts complete with commentaries and such.

All of this and a mother-in-law with lots of contacts, has led me to a part-time job starting as soon as I want. The thought of committing to outside employment and homeschooling the progeny seems a bit daunting...but from as many angles as I can muster up...and I can muster many...it seems like a sensible thing to do. The family is all voting for it and the position seems to fit with much of my previous, albeit distant past, work experience. So I have prepared a proposal for the Manager/Owner and will bring it round her house tonight and see what she has to say.

I must say there is much I enjoy about being back here...but there is much I miss.

I miss the ease of relationships...the sense of calm when night falls...the adrenaline rush of spotting the alpha male monkey in your path...the pleasure of seeing students grow and make good choices...the enjoyment of a meal with seasonal delicacies ( I think that particular kind of fiddleheads that grow in Gharwal should be available now...5Rs a bundle.)...strolls out to Jubarkhat or down Mullinghar...staying late with friends and then sleeping over... I suppose it;s just moving to a rhythm that is more organic than the one that I have returned to.

Today I stood in the department store and felt a deep sense of sadness well up inside...I can't really explain it. It might have been the reality of living a new life...it might have been the pervasiveness of the consumer mindset...it might have been the sadness at again being in a place where it's very easy for prices to make beautiful things prohibitive...it might have just been mourning the loss of a life that I very much enjoyed.

Happy Colours, Good friends and a New Kitchen.

Well, my kitchen is usable again...

We, and when I say we I mean mostly B, painted the kitchen. You might think, no big deal, but we painted the cabinets as well as the walls. And it was a big deal!!!

The kitchen we now have had cabinets that lived there for a very long time. They had suffered from lack of attention; but being wood veneer there seemed to be little options aside from replacement. So we attacked them this weekend with melamine paint and spruced them up with new hardware and I must say I am quite pleased with the overall effect. But I have learned that using oil based paint is a pain...and melamine paint is worse...it gets sticky...it slides down the wall...and it takes forever to dry.

However, one of the biggest advantages to being back in our hometown is re-entering a circle of friends and family. So we ate at my Mom-in-laws, my parents watched the girls, my Bro-in-law and B's friend all came round to help out...

And the end result is a kitchen that makes me feel happy when I walk into it. ..Yea!!

There is an added bonus that several friends have told me they love the colours; which is very affirming for me since I love colours but do not always successfully put them together. Of course, they might be just being nice but that's okay with me because I really love my new ktichen. And I am told that the colour combo is very current and lends a retro feel to the space, which works with the mustard coloured fridge and stove!!! Double Yea!!

Unfortunately, no pics today...maybe tomorrow since I am so proud of my new kitchen and pleased that my hubby let me pic happy colours!!!